写在 0x20 岁之前
还有一天,我的人生就进入第三个 0x10 年。
第一个 0x10 年里我无忧无虑。
当我路还走不稳时,我就喜欢拿着彩色笔涂鸦。我妈盼望着我长大能当一名画家。理论上我应该能遗传点我爸这方面的基因的。可惜我不努力,最终辜负了母亲的殷切期望。
在我还小的时候,我坐在老爸的自行车后座上,父亲问,你长大了想做什么?那是我第一次考虑这个问题。我说,做个数学家吧。那时我参加小学生的数学奥赛,成绩还不错。他不是很满意这个答案,说再想想吧,那或许不是你真正的兴趣。我沉默了,好象我不是真的很喜欢数学。或许是因为比其他人学的好一点造成的错觉。
不过我对用机器来解决数学问题很好奇。最初学 basic 时,我无法理解赋值的等号为什么不能用来自动解方程,那是我第一次萌生写程序的念头,却没有正确写出来。后来突然一天开窍了,我爱上计算机这个大玩具。那本是我爸的总多玩具之一的。
不过那也仅仅是我诸多玩具之一。它并不比其它玩具地位更高。小孩子是很难沉浸在同一事物里的。我格外好玩,一切新鲜之事。我更离不开朋友,离不开与人分享的快乐。至于学业,似乎我从未放在心上。不至于太差,也不会特别之好。初中之后,我知道我的朋友们学习比我好,我的成绩就是考不过他们。可我就是难舍玩儿的精力去把成绩提上去。玩,才是一等大事。
唉,到今天,小我 0x10 岁的小表妹都能一本正经的套我爸的话说,我哥他还没玩醒呢。
进入第二个 0x10 年,我开始思考。
我已经学了五六年编程了。除了写程序比朋友们强一些,别的似乎没什么长处。至于强的那么一点,也是花的比别人多这么多时间换来的。如果他们也肯花这么多时间,一定玩的比我好。我这么想。不过,人的生命有限的很,你花在这方面多一点,其他方面就少了。我也不是刻意去学编程,只是喜欢而已。不仅仅是编程,我发现我越来越喜欢搞明白计算机里的一切,那些是那么有条理,弄明白了就把握住了。
我还认识了生命中第一个让我动心的女孩。只是暗恋而已,但那感情很绵长。我不知道该如何表白,只是用各种方式接近她,直到要离开武汉去读大学。我告诉了她,她拒绝了。我想我的确也不优秀,我应该再做的优秀一些,或许她会喜欢我。那时我不懂爱情,或许现在也不懂。我说我可以等,她说不要,那是不可能的。
大学里,我只做了三件事。
一,读书。读了大量编程方面的书。
二,写信,每天给她写信,写我又在想些什么,做些什么,权当在记日记。也给我的各个老朋友写信,我的大学里没有太多人和我交流计算机方面的东西,我便大版的写学习心得给我中学时的玩伴,他们曾和我一起学编程,打游戏。
三,维护我的个人网站,写我学到的点点滴滴,写我明白了什么。通过 email irc icq 和我的网站的读者交流。到了假期,我就五湖四海的去拜会他们。那些网友多是中国早期的游戏行业先驱。我本没打算以游戏为业,可是接触的人都是这个圈子,反过来加强了我为游戏做点什么的信念。
其他,玩玩游戏,打打零工赚点钱什么的只是消遣,就不算正经事了。至于听课读那些专业课程。惭愧,丝毫没有兴趣,居然能让我毕业,真还是一奇迹啊。嗯,我的专业是机械。
把精力放在一处,比如专心于学习实践编程上,绝对是让自己忘记寂寞是何物的最佳方法。这个学习当是无功利心的,仅仅是因为我想知道为什么是这样。满足好奇心是唯一的目的。
从学校里出来,我感觉整个人都是自由的。这种自由感之前只在高考后体验过一次。我在高中里曾经想过不读大学,面对老泪纵横的父亲,我退缩了。读大学时,我想过退学。跟家人小心翼翼的提出,并没有想像中父母该有的怒火,但毕竟还是不被支持的,我自己也没有勇气真的去做。终于拿到学位证,才是最为解脱的一件事。
在这种心境下,我莫名其妙的开始喜欢读一些以前不读的书。如醍醐灌顶般,我发现历史是那么有趣。不仅仅是小时候理解的一系列的人物故事,或是上学时,为应付考试背的枯燥的大事年表。我为之前一直没好好读历史而惋惜那些逝去的时光。同时也读一些简单的哲学以及经济。我发现这个世界上其实任何一门学科都挺有趣的,去读读前人都是怎么一步步的做那些学问尤其有趣。我的书架上就不再只有编程书籍和科普读物了。
还有网友给我发一些邮件讨论美国的政治制度,推荐我读易中天关于美国宪政的文章。我渐渐发现许多政治课上没学明白的东西,有点明白了。独立思考这档子事,是小孩子成年的标志之一。我曾经认为长大遥遥无期,我妈有天突然对我说,你爸跟你谈了次话,发现你长大了。
我到广州生活的第二年,事业一帆风顺。追了多年的女孩从国外回来找到我,说,只要你说让我留下来,我就不再出国了。那晚我流了一晚上眼泪,她也是。因为我发现我的爱情离我远去。我不再想之前感情上受的伤害,我还是念着她的好,只是,有些东西没了就真的没了。然后她就又离开。
9 年之后,我在 google talk 上和她聊起往事。谈我后来的感情生活,讨论爱情和她已相处 9 年的男友。她说,恐怕我是除了她妈妈,每年都一定记得她生日的人。但是一切都是缘。突然间,她说她想明白了,明天就答应她的男友。她曾经是我的心结,而后我又成了她心中的一点无以形容的存在。她说她终于解脱了。我祝福他们。
我去参加了他们的婚礼。
人活着的意义是什么?我不知道下个 0x10 年我能否找到答案。
这个 0x10 年里,我只是放纵着自己,想到什么就做什么,依着自己的道德准则行事。我对世界充满好奇,就尽可能的去学习。我发现自己所学能帮到别人,就乐于去分享,去帮人解决问题。碰巧,爱做的事情还有人把它转换为不菲的收益。我也就心安理得的拿取自己那一份。我觉得我很幸运的逃离了所有经济上的制约,可以不去关心许多同学必须关心的房子,车子,工作等等问题。可以更纯粹的做喜欢做之事。
我不认为这全是因事在人为。所谓谋事在人,成事在天。多年的经历,我不会把自己看的太高,人生不如意十之八九,所以我格外感激珍惜获得的那些。
我很开心,当我回到广州公司大楼,即使已经离开五年,员工换了一茬茬,但无论是在楼道中,还是电梯里,都有熟悉的面孔亲切着打招呼。嘿,云风,好久不见。晚上一起吃饭吧。有如五年前,我拉着一大帮刚从校园里出来的同学们,呼啦啦的一大片,吃遍广州大大小小的馆子。在珠江边的露天酒吧里大口灌着啤酒,玩着天黑请闭眼。
这几年做的不够好。吾友 tdlife peng 同学曾说,做些啥,不在于取得多少成绩,在乎自己在不断积累。是啊,唯有自己学到的知识,明白的道理才真正属于自己。其它的,身外之物而已。
做了几年项目下来有点累。连社交都越来越少。总觉得有责任做好。而我偏偏又是个随心所欲的人。我曾碰上那个我确切感觉到真的爱我的好姑娘,性子也与我相似。吾友杨录同学说,第一眼见她,觉得跟我好相像。我无法确定是否爱她。但我知道辜负了她的感情是我这几年最大的遗憾。我隐隐知道,感情之外的,我在做的事情给了我不少压力。但我内心却并不承认那些会影响到情绪。直到她绝然的离开,甚至带着恨意。我明白我在感情上欠她太多,也没有机会偿还了。她教会了我,再独立坚强的女孩也是需要人哄的。而人之复杂,单靠逻辑和理性去表达只能是一厢情愿。
我希望新的 0x10 年是我人生新的篇章,就像上个 0x10 年,我突然就发现了喜欢的人。不知不觉就找到了适合自己做的事,一直做了下来。我希望接下来的日子能找到真爱,共渡一生。希望可以继续无拘束的以自己的方式理解世界。活的像个孩子,对一切保持好奇心,相信爱情。
写给本文的非程序员读者:程序员通常用 16 进制计数,只有 2 的整数幂的数字才觉得是整的。比如 1 2 4 8 16 32。
0x10 是 C 语言风格的 16 进制数字表示,相当于 16 。0x20 表示 32 。
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